Being Purposeful vs. Purposeless. (How To Be a Good sub.) D/s Relationships. (Basic Blog #16)

Being a sub is more than just a title. Being a true sub requires work. Being in a healthy D/s relationship takes even more work. Being a good sub requires taking the time time, having the willingness to learn, and the ability to learn to become vulnerable with your Goddess. Saying that you're a sub is much different than actually behaving like a sub, and actually embracing that you're a sub. Telling a Goddess that you want to serve Her just is never enough. A sub in a Goddess's life needs to serve purpose, without purpose you are simply just occupying space. Something/someone that just occupies space is useless. Trash. The word sub and useless should never go into the same sentence... So, this basic blog will really get down to the basics of a D/s realtionship and what it needs to thrive.

Being in Goddess's life.

Being a part of a perfect Goddess's life is pretty much every subs dream. A sub who is in a Goddess's life must be sure that they are adding to Goddess's life, and not be taking away from it. A good sub knows their role... To be used. A sub who lingers or get's too comfortable in Goddess's life without adding anything to it... Is well, useless. A sub who makes excuses instead of actually doing anything productive, is also useless. A sub who adds negativity? Useless. A D/s isn't much different than a vanilla relationship... What do I mean? Well in order for it to thrive the basics of the foundation are almost identical... Of course there are some differences, and hopefully this blog will clear up the confusion.

1. Loyalty/Dedication.

This is pretty straight forward, if you pledge your loyalty to Goddess and only Goddess it should remain that way. If you don't remain loyal... Well that makes you a lying, useless, selfish, piece of trash... AKA a useless sub. Learn to control your urges...Learn how to commit your life to serving Goddess... Better yet let Goddess teach you. :)

-If Goddess isn't first thing on your mind, fix your priorities or leave.

2. Patience.

A useful sub understands that a Goddess has Her own life outside their relationship with the sub. A Goddess will also work at a pace that She's comfortable with while also taking the subs needs into account. A sub must understand that things will happen at a natural progression and not just at the speed that they want. A good sub works his way into a bigger part of Goddess's life over time. AKA they earn it. Selfishness, unjustified impatience and lack of understanding from a subs end will only causes issues. It takes two in a relationship, forget this and the relationship is doomed.

3. Communication.

A sub who who fails to communicate with their Goddess is useless, any type of relationship in life needs communication to thrive. Cutting off communication in a relationship is like cutting off the oxygen supply, without it, the realtonship dies. This applies to any relationship... D/s or otherwise. (If you want more emphasis on the importance of communication in a D/s relationship please check out My other blogs.)

4. Positivity.

Believe it or not... The difference a between stable and unstable relationship is often the amount of positive thoughts and actions those involved have towards each other. If there is too much negativity, criticizing, demanding, name-calling, and holding grudges, ect, the relationship will suffer. Of course in A D/s relationship many subs crave the name calling and want their Domme be demanding but there is a key balance here between the two extremes. The main thing to take away from this section is that a sub should not be the one dealing constant negativity towards their Goddess, it's not hot, nor is it constructive for a D/s relationship.

Example: If the sub starts complaining about not wanting to be a sub anymore but continues to try and get attention from their Goddess through negative behaviour.

Example: If the sub has something going on in their personal life and then chooses to take that frustration out on Goddess.

5. Is your Goddess happy? Do you have Empathy?

This is pretty self-explanatory... If your Goddess isn't happy are you doing anything right? Learn to put yourself in your Goddess's shoes. Think about how your Goddess might be feeling due to your actions/what's going on in Her life, and show that you care and respect Her feelings. If you can't do these things... Fix yourself or you will be disposed of.

Example: A good sub checks in with Goddess daily unless another arrangement has been specified.

Example: A good sub checks in on his Goddess's emotional wellbeing and does everything in their power to improve it. A useful sub should alway take their Goddess's emotional and wellbeing into consideration. A good sub is in tune with their Goddess's emotions.

Example: If as a sub you expect Goddess to understand when you have a bad day, you should have the same level of understand towards Her.

6. Healthy conflict resolution.

Conflict happens, how you choose to manage it can make or break a relationship. If you can't deal with conflict in a healthy manner, you aren't doing your job as a sub. Conflict can be managed healthily utilizing the tools listed above. Lashing out is NEVER a constructive way to deal with conflict.

Example: If a sub hits a financial snag, discuss it openly with Goddess, don't use it as an excuse to lash or be self-destructive.

Example: If something Goddess asked/asks for during playtime is beyond your comfort zone address it respectfully instead of straight up refusing.

Example: If something in the D/s relationship is bothering you, bring it up respectfully, don't ignore it... Ignoring things only causes problems.

7. Shared activities/Interests.

Do you and your Goddess interact regularly? Are you available to play with Goddess when She feels like it? Do you put Goddess's needs first? Do you fufill your Goddess's needs? Do you always have an excuse to not interact? Do you and Goddess share any mutual kinks or even interests outside of kink? Do you game together? Do you watch the same movies/TV shows. Do you have the same sense of humor? If your answer to these any/all of these questions are no... you need to rethink your place in Goddess's life.

Example: Completing tasks that you Goddess gives to you. Something that is also important is to have designated play date nights and following through with them. Healthy playtime is key to a successful relationship.

Example: When you aren't engaged in kink maybe you're playing the same online game together... Or maybe your binging the same Netflix series. Relationships should have layers.

8. Support.

Do you support your Goddess? And no this doesn't only mean financially... Do you use encouraging words, do you hype Her up? Do you motivate Her? Do you truly worship Her? How do you show it? Is it through your behaviour?

9. Friendship

This part goes without saying. A Goddess and sub in a committed D/s share many intimate moments together... The question is... What exists outside of those moments? Is there a friendship beneath it all? A friendship is such an important thing to have with your Goddess, it further strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

Example: Kink and kink alone isn't enough to keep a relationship strong. See: 7. Shared activities/Interests.

10. Trust

It takes a lot of time and effort to build trust. Talk honestly with your Goddess and follow through on the promises that you make. This means DON'T overpromise. If you can't follow through, don't promise, it's really that simple. Breaking trust will always set a relationship back and stunt it's growth.

Example: Trust is so important in a relationship, a Goddess should never suspect Her sub is up to no good if they were to make an excuse. Trust leads to doubt, doubt leads to conflict... Conflict leads to problems.

Example: Don't commit to a Goddess before you are emotionally ready to, build trust beforehand. Rushing into anything is never a smart idea.

11. Acceptance.

Acceptance is important from both sides. A Goddess and sub both have their limits. A Goddess and a sub also both have basic needs.

Example: Asking your Goddess to do something that She is not comfortable with is not okay. A good sub accepts their Goddess's limits and doesn't try to push past them. A good sub also does not try to change a Goddess's schedule for their own benefit, being in Goddess's life is a privilege and not a right.

Which leads to...

12. Respect.

Lastly, any successful relationship (D/s or otherwise,) needs mutual love and respect. This very much ties into My last point... A sub who doesn't respect their Goddess's boundaries, expectations and needs, is once again serving without purpose... To be honest a sub who behaves this way isn't a sub at all. This type of sub is self-serving. It is so important that Dommes and subs continue to cultivate love and respect and understanding for each other throughout the relationship. If they don't... Well that relationship is bound to fail.

So yeah... This blog was very bare bones basic. Being a good sub is being a useful sub. Being a good sub is showing Goddess that you are capable of growth. A good sub doesn't serve on his own terms or for solely his own benefit. A good sub is honest, hardworking, considerate and kind. Being a good sub is being a sub who wants to be in a healthy D/s relationship, and understanding what that takes. I'm going to stop writing here, because I feel like My other blogs dive much deeper into these topics, and if you want to go deeper I suggest that you go read those. :)

It doesn't matter how much you deny yourself, or how far you run, a part of you will always remain with and belong to Goddess. Without Goddess you will never be whole. Denial won't get you anywhere. Scraps are useless to Goddess, but for you... Those scraps are life-changing.