Let's Talk about D/s Relationships. (With No Mention Of Findom.) (Basic Blog #4)

The online World has become saturated with all things Findom. Findom is great and all but it's not everything, Findom doesn't make or break a D/s relationship. Findom is only a branch in the world of BDSM. Findom should not be the foundation of a D/s relationship, if Findom is the main foundation that relationship, it's bound to fail. A lot of the time what you see online is the Fin without the Dom. What do I mean? Well this blog will get it into it, this blog is going to focus mainly on D/s relationships, and what they need to succeed. And yes, I can do so without any mention of Findom. Because again... Findom ISN'T everything. Findom is a kink. Enjoying Findom does not make you a good sub or a good Domme, or a domme at all for that matter. A D/s relationship is so much more.

A D/s relationship. What is it? Dominant/submissive relationship. This is very 101 but I'm going to go there for the purpose of this blog. The Domme is obviously the Dominant, and the submissive is the sub. The relationship revolves around power play. There is an understanding between the two parties of what the dynamic and nature of the relationship will be. The Dominant takes pleasure over controlling the sub, and the submissive takes pleasure from being completely controlled by their Dominant. And guess what!? It's not always sexual in nature.

A D/s doesn't stop just because you are not indulging in a specific kink at the time. There needs to be commitment between both partners to maintain the relationship. Engaging in this type of relationship must always be consensual. A Domme should never force a sub to submit to Her. Non-consensual relationships are illegal and gross. A Domme does not have a right to a sub just because they identify as a sub, this tends to be a misconception with the dilution of the scene and it's just plain wrong. A submissive has the right to choose whom they submit to, and they do not owe anyone anything just because they identify as a Domme. Remember the keywords here: CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP. A relationship without consent isn't a relationship, it's just straight up abuse.

The Dominant: Is in complete control, prioritizes and makes the choices within the relationship, and asserts the duties to their submissive partner.

The submissive: Accepts being under complete control of their Dominant, put their Dominants wishes and needs above theirs, and expresses their desire to please their Dominant.

So what does a healthy D/s relationship look like??

This isn't as complicated as most make it out to be, what does any healthy relationship look like? Just because a relationship is D/s based, it doesn't mean that it doesn't follow any of the "vanilla" relationship rules. And just like in the vanilla World attraction alone ISN'T enough.

So what makes a healthy relationship?

1. Mutual Respect

Both partners set boundaries, they hear and react appropriately to Yes/ No/Maybe. A good partner ALWAYS asks for their partners input before trying something new. Respect is about recognizing the IMPORTANCE of the relationship that you’re in. Respecting each other's boundaries, and treating the relationship with care, at minimum the amount and type of care that is expected.

2. Trust

Knowing that you can believe your partner(s), and that when they act you can feel confident that they’re acting in your best interest. Trust is knowing that you aren’t being manipulated/mislead/or taken advantage of.

3. Openness/Willingness to communicate/Honesty

Honesty is telling the truth. Honest partners in a healthy relationship do NOT knowingly give misinformation. Being honest doesn't mean being rude/unkind/aggressive. There is always a respectful way to approach any situation. If your partner has introduced something uncomfortable into your relationship address it, don't let it fester or use it as a weapon at a later date. When there is something bothering you, bring it up to your partner in a non-confrontational way. With open communication a relationship can thrive.

4. Chemistry/Passion/A Spark

Something two people feel when they share a special connection. Chemistry cannot be fabricated, when there is chemistry in a relationship, it is special.

5. Safety

Knowing that your partner(s) won’t intentionally hurt you. (Physically/emotionally/psychologically/otherwise.) Being confident that they're looking out for you/your interests/your general well-being.

6. Commitment

Commitment in relationships is for each partner to feel a sense of security and control. You should feel comfortable having certain expectations about how your partner should behave, and in regards to respecting the relationship.

7.Purpose

Understanding what you need/want in a relationship can help you understand who you are as a Person.

(In a D/s context: A sub being able to differentiate their wants vs. needs can help them express their expectations/desires to their Dominant.)

As you can see the important parts of any vanilla relationship also apply to a D/s relationship. A D/s relationship can be even more intense than a vanilla relationship due to the things that may be explored within one, if you can't trust your partner, if you don't feel safe with your partner, if you can't communicate with your partner, if you don't feel connected to your partner, and if you don't feel fully committed to a partner issues will arise.

The issue with the kink World blowing up on the online scene is the huge amount of misinformation. New dominants seem to think they can own any submissive just because they say they can. submissives are often treated like collectable objects and not people. And this is very wrong. New dominants think they can control a subs lives and take complete control and ownership over night. It's quite delusional. D/s relationships are still relationships, and relationships need a strong foundation in order to not fail/fall. Trust isn't built overnight. In the vanilla World you don't see people go from first date to wedding in the same night do you? D/s relationships come in may forms and many stages. A committed D/s relationship where ownership is involved is a lot like a marriage. It isn't something you rush into, there are a lot of factors at play. You shouldn't just claim ownership on anyone, or allow anyone to do so on you. If you rush and forget about taking the time to build the foundation of your "relationship," the spark will burn out as quickly as it started.

BDSM isn't a game, it isn't Pokémon, you can't catch them all. BDSM is a lifestyle that many live day to day, a D/s relationship is often the most important relationship in someones life, they aren't to be taken lightly, and they shouldn't revolve around one thing. My submissives are not objects, they are people who I have built meaningful lasting relationships with. I even keep in close contact with those who no longer serve for whatever circumstance. My subs are more than just toys, if we aren't "playing," I still enjoy learning about their day to day life and interests outside of kink. My subs are important to Me, our relationships mean more than just enjoying indulging in each other's fetishes, and getting what we want out of "session." Our D/s is about something meaningful and real, and something has the possibility to last a lifetime.

So to keep this a "Basic Blog" this is as far as I'm going to go, plus it really isn't rocket science. D/s relationships are real relationships, and kink play alone doesn't mean it's a relationship at all. A lasting relationship will not be built on one thing, nor should it be, relationships should be dynamic, exciting and there should always be new things to explore. D/s Relationships cannot be built overnight, the more time you spend building them the more intense they become. At the end of the day when the kink goes away, there's a person at the other end, and hopefully it is with someone that you can trust and enjoy.