Findom for Dummies.
The things you see on the internet will never stop surprising you. People get all kinds of ideas in their head and post them without a second thought. It's kind of pathetic really, especially when you're attempting to portray a certain "image." Findom is hot, really hot... But the problem is, Findom has been getting mucked up and misrepresented by the internet... Mostly, by people who are uneducated and think they know everything without actually ever learning and educating themselves on the subject. Can someone actually be Doctor without going to Medschool? No. That's dangerous, and so is findom when it falls into the wrong incapable hands.. Findom is an art, an extremely sexy art. Findom is hot. Real Findom also takes talent, and let's be honest...Not everyone has talent. When someone who lacks talent and education/knowledge and mislabels them self and tries to compensate for the things that they lack is often when things get "mucky." The muck just gets worse when uneducated people jump into the kink World with 0 BDSM knowledge because they heard about findom through some mainstream media outlet and think that they can make a quick buck without even knowing what they are doing. What are they doing? Potentially damaging lives and tarnishing the true meaning of Findom and all things Kink. It's disgusting. I'm writing this blog to simplify Findom as best I can to clear the murky mucky waters, ever so slightly, because let's be honest the damage is already done and truly cleaning this place up is near impossible.
Now what is Findom? Findom is short for Financial Domination.
Two. words.
Financial... pertaining to Finances. The definition???
1. The management of large amounts of money.
2. Provide funding for (a person or enterprise).
Both of these definition are pretty straight forward and also relate to Findom. (Shocker.)
The second word.... Domination.
Domination aka to be Dominated.
1. The exercise of control or influence over someone or something, or the state of being so controlled.
2. Have a commanding influence on; exercise control over.
Again these are very straight forward definitions. Little room for confusion.
Now let's put the two together....
Financial Domination:
The management of LARGE (Relative, will get to this part later.) amounts of money. The sub provides (sends) funds. The Domme exercises control over and/or influences the sub, to the state of being so controlled. (The sub sends because he is influenced by said Domme and told too. AKA the Mind Fuck.) Therefore the Domme has a commanding influence on; and exercises control over the subs finances.
See how simple that was?? Now the question is.... Why have the Findom waters become so murky? Let's filter out what ISN'T Findom for starters.... Shall we?
Nowhere within the definition of "Financial Domination" is there mention of any of the following...
-Chastity, or any kink play/control devices whatsoever.
-Small tributes $5, $10, $15, $20 ect. (These are not LARGE numbers, therefore how can one be financially dominated for the price of a few Starbucks coffees? Newsflash... They can't)
-Cam/Face to face conversations of any nature. (A Finsub isn't focused on the physical, it's the act of sending that is pleasurable.)[ If a sub gets any of these things its a bonus, I don't cam with 99% of My subs and that's just a fact.]
-Edging, Orgasm Control, any service whatsoever. Especially NOTHING sexual.
- Selling something (Photos, panties, shoes, whatever.) or a service (aka sessions, phone calls ect.)
And most importantly...
-Threatening, abusing, or manipulating a sub to the point that it puts their mental health and physical safety at risk for your own financial gain and/or benefit. Harassment is NOT domination and it is NOT okay. (If you are someone who is actually dumb enough to think that this kind of disgusting behaviour is acceptable, stop what you're doing... SSC or RACK look it up NOW. [You may come back and finish reading this blog once you. Don't be an idiot and a cancer to this Lifestyle.])
Are the waters becoming less murky now??
There are very few true "finsubs" out there. Sure, a finsub of course can indulge in any of the above but that is NOT what defines them. This leads to...
What is a finsub?
finsub: someone who enjoys having their Superior (Domme) control their finances and spend their money.
There is 0 mention of anything sexual in nature within that definition. So why do some "subs" act like tributing will get them anything in return? Well it won't... A true finsub will tribute just because, a finsub finds it pleasurable to send his money to a Superior, as stated above. However, just because someone is a finsub it doesn't mean that they want to be financially dominated either. Sometimes finsubs like to indulge, some fin subs are community whores. And that's also fine. Complete and total financial domination is not for everyone. So just because someone is a sub it doesn't mean...
1. That they want to be "drained."
2. They want to be financially dominated.
3. They want to be owned.
There are some finsubs who are community whores and enjoy being used by Dommes. It's exhilarating for them and the Domme and sub both benefit. Using a community whore however is NOT findom. It's simply using a finsub for his purpose which leaves everyone happy.
Tributing on it's own is NOT findom. But it is enjoyable. ;) A Domme should NEVER try to collar a community whore before they are ready to settle down, that is just a bad outcome and uneeded drama all around. There is a difference between "Dominating" and forcing a sub to do something that he is not ready for.
Findom simply put...Enjoying giving/ handing over control over to a Superior, this includes the mental mind-fucking. (Generally the mind-fuck is when the control part kicks in and is handed over. The mindfuck is the talent. It's an art. If you can't manage to mind fuck your sub with simply your mind alone... Well you're going to run into problems. [Hence why you see so many services and transactions being labeled as "Findom" when they aren't.]) Mind-Fucking does NOT necessarily include anything sexual in nature. Findom alone (The sending, the loss of control) is gives the sub pleasure and a rush. A true finsub doesn't crave much else other than a Superior using them for their wallet and wallet alone. Anything else is a bonus and NOT expected. (A sub also DOES NOT have to strictly be a finsub to enjoy financial domination either.)
Sure kinks and all things BDSM go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly. I'm NOT kink shaming anyone here. But mixing mediums up and calling them something else is NOT right. Calling a Dog a Parrot, doesn't make the dog a parrot now does it? So... Selling your old socks to a sub is NOT financially dominating him. you aren't mind fucking him with your socks either... you are simply SELLING him something, it is a PURCHASE, purely transactional nothing else. Stop glorifying these things. The same thing goes for sessions, phone calls and whatever else. Real Financial Domination doesn't come into play until a sub gives up complete control and asks for NOTHING in return.
What is giving up control? Maybe it's handing over his credit card, budgeting his pay-checks and telling him what he gets to keep and what he spends it on, or maybe it even gets as far as him signing a contract and/or trusting his Domme to control his bank account and logins so she can take as She pleases, as well as allocating spending money for him. Findom, definitely includes complying to a budget set by his Domme and making A LOT of personal sacrifices.A finsub gets pleasure by sending to his Domme. By simply sending and pleasing a Domme... This where a finsub gets gratification from. Nothing else.
However... Dommes NEED to remember... If a sub does give up such control it is a privilege, and a relationship that must NOT be abused and the relationship must be built on a mutual trust to be successful. A Domme in a Findom D/s relationship DOES NOT take more than agreed upon, and DOES NOT leave a sub without means for necessities (such as food, water, shelter ect.), and doesNOT leave a sub in danger of any kind. A Domme in a Findom relationship should always follow RACK or SSC, if She doesn't know the meaning of those words that is a huge red flag.
So, when you're looking to serve and see a Domme who tells subs that She "doesn't give a fuck about them and only cares about their wallet... " Well that's nice... But do you think that Domme is actually engaging in true Findom D/s relationships? Or is She just attracting subs who want to fly by and send? This is where actual research comes into play. Taking money from subs just because and telling them to send alone is fine, sure, but don't call it Findom. Because it's NOT. Yes, a Domme may be engaging in both, (with finsubs and even fetishists [A Domme can be a Domme and a Fetishist.]) but it sends out the wrong message if She is seeking a real connection and real control. Ultimately all this Domme in question is showing in this case is that She is turned on by money alone sans the Domination. Again there is nothing wrong with this but it is NOT FINDOM. This is fetishist territory.
Think about things this way... If a sub who only sends when they feel like it or when they are in a"mood" to be told what to do are they really giving up any real control? Or are they just sending for the thrill? Until the moment passes even? Is there actually any actual risk involved? See My blog where I dive into the subject on Subs vs. Fetishists if you're confused. A true finsub would never fully give in to a Domme who truly didn't "give a fuck," because that would be reckless.
Why?
Why would someone give their sensitive information up to someone who had 0 regard or concern for them as human being? How can you give someone control that you cannot fully trust? Why give up control to Someone who would take everything because they have 0 reason to show restraint? Why give control to Someone who has 0 connection to the sub other than their wallet.
As I said earlier not all subs are 100% true finsubs, true finsubs are very rare. I guess you can say there is a "sub spectrum" however, many "subs" and fetishists are getting false a sense of entitlement due to all the blurred lines certain folk labeling themselves as "FinDommes" have unfortunatley cast out there.
And this is why this blog is being written.
1. To educate newcomers and confused Dommes.
2.To teach subs that they can't get away with topping from the bottom when dealing with real Dommes. your mood swings do nothing but push us away, and if you crave a real D/s dynamic you need to learn that you Domme is the one who makes the rules... Always. your shit won't fly here, but if you earn it, and prove you aren't a lost cause, We will train and fix your confused minds. :)
All true D/s relationships ESPECIALLY Findom based ones are based on the foundation of trust and care. A sub just isn't going to give his lifeline to a "cruel bitch." Sure he will send to Her when he's horny or has some extra money for a thrill, but he's not going to engage in a true Findom based relationship. (Maybe the cruel bitch "Domme" doesn't really care about a real connection either and just is in it to role play because she thinks that what subs want to here and does it to make a few bucks... Who really knows. But it gives Dommes a bad look. FinDommes especially.) A Findom based D/s is wonderful but it's NOT something that just happens over night. Anyone looking for instant gratification and a mega pay day without putting actual work is actually delusional. A meaningful and beneficial Findom relationship needs to be nurtured to grow. There needs to be a foundation and a connection. In a solid D/s relationship the walls melt away and the sub has nothing left to hide. My closest subs? I know everything about them vanilla life included and there is an intense trust and connection that comes with that. So if a sub is only sending here and there, well it may be how some D/s relationships start, but from there they will progress naturally, and the sub will give up more and more until he ultimately has given up full control without even realizing it. TPE is so hot...
So... If you haven't quite caught on yet...
Monetary based relationships are NOT necessarily Findom based ones, and yes, that's okay. But always be aware what you are getting yourself into. If you as a Domme and have never fully controlled a subs income down to the very last penny, then you have NOT been in a true Findom relationship. The hottest type of all monetary based relationships. (But remember Findom is MORE than just monetary.) The control... The power... And, if your sub hasn't begged for an extra $10 for whatever or some wiggle room, or some extra personal spending money probably haven't either. If a sub hasn't consulted with you before a huge purchase? Nope. If you haven't seen yoursubs bank balance or paystubs?Or have never been given those crucial logins. Nope.
I'm not saying you can't get to that point, but if it's something you are truly interested in doing, you need to change your approach and understand how Findom truly works. The mechanics, the dynamic of it all.
EDUCATE YOURSELF.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This applies to Dommes and subs alike. you are NEVER beyond learning. Learning leads to safety and ultimately success. Any Domme who calls Herself a FinDomme but only offers transactional interactions, items for sale, sessions, and who comes off scripted with the cruel act just looks silly, and will ultimately not be successful in the long run. subs aren't as dumb as they seem, these are the "Dommes" who get taken advantage of for having 0 clue what they are doing and who often cry about being used by timewasters. Who is really wasting who's time though? (I haven't even gotten into different types and degrees of Findom based relationships, including married subs, ect, [I do have a blog on TPE here however.] but there is a Findom factor that differs here. Seeing as this is is titled "Findom for Dummies" I'm not going to get into it in this blog and if you are interested in the topic let Me know, and I will publish it sooner. But I will least say this... you never take from someones Wife, or someone who isn't consenting, and never interfere with Her options to luxury. The sub is the one who sacrifices, NOT his Wife. Married subs have a much tighter number to work with, you can still dominate them financially, but remember to always be respectful to a subs family in those types of situations.)
So, when you see a Domme out there asking for tributes and tributes alone, she may or may not be a real FinDomme. She may be a Financial Fetishist, and that's fine, I'm NOT saying fetishists don't care either, they just have a different perspective, goal and approach. I'm also NOT saying that FinDommes don't just ever take tributes alone either, because WE DO, like I said before We often mix mediums, not to mention a true full on Findom based relationship is time consuming, and exhausting as they require a lot attention, budgeting, aftercare ect. This is why established Dommes don't have "stables" full of owned finsubs. Dommes may have large stables but I can guarantee that they are not all true finsubs by nature. Because let's be honest... Ain't nobody got time for that. ;) A FinDomme is pretty much a self-serving accountant.And accounting is work. The more purely Findom based relationships a Domme has, the more time consuming it is, a Domme takes TIME out Her day to manage a finsubs finances, it IS NOT all sunshine and butterflies as many "Dommes" try to portray. A Findom based relationship CAN be exhausting. A true "FinDomme" may only have 1, 2, or even 3 actual fully committed finsubs. She also may have more working to get to that point, but true Financial Domination IS NOT something that happens over night.
But yes FinDommes, Financial Fetishists and many Dommes, get off on tributes, DUH, and yes that is so hot, and extremely satisfying for both parties.
So go on and send just because... you know it feels so good, and you love being a good boy for Goddess too.
So if you are a sub who sends regular tributes to a Domme does that mean that you are in a "Findom Relationship..?"
Nope. Not necessarily...
And here's why...
If you send a weekly tribute to a Domme and it doesn't affect your lifestyle outside of the relationship, hate to break it to you but.... you AREN'T being "Dominated Financially," sure you may be in a D/s relationship in some capacity with a Domme, which is also equally as wonderful BUT if it doesn't affect your livelihood/ free will to spend.... Which Newsflash it ISN'T FINDOM. (Welcome to the wonderful World of having a financial fetish on some level though.)
Findom is extremely enjoyable, and no, I'm NOT kink shaming any of the other things listed above, I Myself am an extremely kinky individual, I am a well rounded Domme, I love Findom and ALL things kink, but at the end of the day, you need to call a spade a spade. Yes, a Domme CAN and DOES "mix mediums," (I highly suggest that you read My blog titled "Yes I Findom But It Does Not Define Me.") and often while "mixing mediums" a Domme can mindfuck Her even sub further... and Even harder, it can keep things interesting, and also extremely hot ( For example My IWC account with Findom related clips and audio files. There are also non-findom related files too.Shocker. ;) [For the sake of the simplicity of this blog I'm not going to get into mixing mediums any further and will leave this subject for another blog and the blogs linked above.]) However... To clarify further... Findom is simply NOT Sessions, it is NOT purchasing clips, and it is NOT even a single tribute. And tribute on it's own definitely does not have ANYTHING to do with Findom.
The definition of tribute?
Tribute: An act, statement, or gift that is intended to show gratitude, respect, or admiration.
Nowhere within this definition is the act of being "dominated." A tribute can be paid to ANYONE. It is a sign of respect, admiration, and NOTHING is to be expected in return. A tribute also does NOT entitle you to any attention, a session, a phone call, literally nothing. So if you "tribute" a Domme and don't hear back deal with it.
Wait... So you're saying a relationship where a sub pays a Domme isn't always Findom..?
EXACTLY.
Yes.
Not all subs who "tribute" are finsubs, and not all Dommes who accept tributes are FinDommes.
Are you shocked by those words?
Let Me simplify this even further...
you aren't being Financially Dominated if you can do as you please outside of the D/s dynamic, if you don't have to think before spending, if non-budgeted/non-savings money isn't tight. Maybe, sure with your Domme you are being "Dominated," in other ways, sure,(Physical or otherwise,) but in reality you aren't being dominated financially.
To clarify when I stated "Large Tribute Amounts" above, large is all relative.
$50 bucks a week may be a lot for one sub, but a drop in the bucket to another. So basically, $50 bucks a week to one sub is domination... And to another it's a laughable amount.
Not all finsubs are created equal.
Findom is about financial sacrifice, it's about giving up your freedom, your extra's.
So... If you have to give up the ability to go out for dinner, or your morning Starbucks, skip out on buying that new pair of shoes or empty that vacation fund and actually have to tighten your purse strings so just so you can give to your Domme... These are examples of financial domination. Basically... Losing the reality of being able to splurge on yourself, and give yourself the "extras" in life.
Being a FinDomme isn't easy either, as there are a lot of factors to consider when you literally have someones livelihood in Your hands.
- Findom IS NOT telling someone to send you $25 dollars (or whatever amount) to initially tribute and talk to you.(Again they are paying a fee to get something in return and and to be clear that isn't even a tribute then either...)
-Findom IS NOT selling photos or used clothing or whatever. These are all transactional things.
-Findom is NOT playing edge games to give/receive "tributes."
-Being a FinDomme is having complete control of someones entire life. Money is freedom, money is life.
The Domme is the puppeteer and the sub is the puppet.
There is a lot of care, discipline, self-educating, actual understanding, even being empathetic all while maintaining Self-control and impulses on the Dommes end when it all comes down to being a responsible FinDomme. When a sub is weak, the wrong Domme can be dangerous. With a single click or transaction a Domme can determine if someone eats, keeps a roof over their head, or can even decide if the want to destroy someones life. (Don't do this.) This why Findom is NOT to be taken lightly, and ANYONE who calls them self a "FinDomme" should educate them self before jumping headfirst into this World. This is also why subs should do their research before "committing" to a Domme, an established Domme will have a trail, subs, references ect. And if you are bold enough as a sub to jump into a Findom Relationship with a "Newbie" take caution and realize what you are getting into, because often it can end very badly.
So... What have we learned today?
A good finsub and even sub will always puts their Domme first. (There are extreme exceptions when a sub needs to take care of them self first. This is why open communication between Domme and sub is SO IMPORTANT.) Good finsubs are often rewarded by good Dommes. A good Domme will sometimes allow Her sub to spend on a dinner out, a case of beer, or whatever every now and then, but this is always at the discretion of the Domme. Some subs are even given a weekly allowance. The sub does NOT have control of his finances at any capacity, and is NOT allowed to make decisions that were not agreed upon within his set budget, so if his Domme rewards him with a night out, new clothing, a material item, vacation or even something as simple as Starbucks he will be grateful. A good Domme will also NOT bankrupt a sub.
A broke sub is a useless sub.
Dommes take care of their subs and subs take care of their Dommes the relationship is symbiotic.
A Findom relationship is amazing, and a True FinDomme knows how to mindfuck her sub into submission without "selling" anything, without promising cam sessions or whatever else. The words of a Domme are hypnotic and memorizing. The goal of a finsub is to make his Dommes life better, to appreciate Her, and make sacrifices, because it pleases Her which ultimately pleases him. A finsub gets off by pleasing his Domme with his wallet nothing else.
A True Findomme is often more than just a Findomme. A FinDomme is a Domme. No Domme has time for 100's 100% purely Findom based relationships, that's actually insane, and not rational or possible. A Findom relationship is A LOT of work, so any Domme who calls Herself strictly a FinDomme should raise some flags. (Unless She has other people or an office running Her shit,again another flag. Or if maybe She's just a Domme who only accepts a few subs at a time sure, then jump on it if that opening comes along, but some who claims that She is strictly a FinDomme, and is always looking for purely findom based relationships is when you should take a closer look.) A true intense connection with a Domme is all a finsub or even just what a run of the mill sub needs. And if you have the gained the attention/affection of a Domme cherish it everyday, because She is making time for you, She is putting energy into you, She cares for you, and those feelings should be reciprocated or the relationship will die. (And yes this affects a Domme. True Dommes do give a fuck about the D/s relationship and about you as a sub. See My blog regarding Domme Drop.)
So remember, findom is merely a component in the Femdom/BDSM universe, there is usually much more to a Domme than Findom alone, as there is always more to sub. (Good, bad or otherwise.) There is almost always more to a Domme than what you see initially, good or bad, that's for you to find out, and as a Domme you should have the same perspective when it comes to subs. As a Domme you should never expect a sub to be a 100% finsub, it's not very realistic, yes they are out there, but don't think they are just going to just pop out of the woodwork and come find you. D/s takes effort. Remember there are ways to mould a sub into exactly the sub you want. Shared interests go a long way, hence the emphasis on connection earlier. This is where the effort comes in. If a sub seems eager to learn, and you see potential train him and teach him, and if he succeeds mark him as your own.
subs, if a Domme takes you on Findom based relationship or otherwise cherish it, respect Her, and treat Her the way She deserves. Always communicate your boundaries,worries, concerns, whatever, and if the Domme raises flags, or if you have concerns?Communicate with Her. I can't stress this enough. Communication leads to amazing things, and ultimately a deeper connection.
Hopefully, this blog clarified some things for those who are confused or just starting out. This blog in reality is only the tip of the very large iceberg. But hopefully now some of you understand the true meaning of Financial Domination, and realize that just because some subs may tribute or some form of monetary exchange is involved, it doesn't mean that it is actually findom or a findom based relationship, there is nothing wrong with this, but be careful what you label things as it is only contributing to the problem and the mass confusion that has spread on the internet. But if you're someone who partakes in any of the things that are not considered findom above, consider yourself lucky as most D/s relationships nowadays have some financial aspect to them from what I've seen... But remember a Doctor without training and education isn't a doctor and has no right to call himself one, and they look ridiculous doing so, the same train of thought goes toward uneducated Dommes polluting the Findom pool... So here's the conclusion: Money does NOT always equal Findom.
