How "Societal Norms" and Kink Shaming Lead To Doubt.
What is normal? Who decides what is normal? And why do humans feel like they need to check the box of "normal" in order to fit in. I Myself used to struggle with doubt, feeling like something was wrong with Me just because I didn't check everything in the "normal box." I felt like I didn't fit in, that in order to fit in that I would have to put on an "act." I didn't realize until I got older that putting on an act to fit in is a very toxic thing to do to yourself.
Waking up everyday and saying today I'm going to do "x,y,z" in order to fit in and not raise too many eyebrows, seems like a lot of energy to put into something that you need to force. It's like putting on a mask and playing a game, and what do you get out of it? Acceptance from a group of people who you pretend to have things in common with? At the end of the day does that really fulfill you? Do you feel good about putting on a charade? Coming home and finally being able to breathe? Do you see where things get toxic? How many people out there are playing the same "normal dress up game" as you?
What happens when someone who thinks you are a "Certain way" falls in love with you for things that you pretend to like? Your false shared interests. (Sure you may have SOME things in common but.... Something will always be missing.) Will that person every be able to satisfy your needs? Will they ever truly love you? How lonely of a life you will lead pleasing someone just to belong. "Loving" someone who doesn't even know who they are with.
I Myself came to terms with this, I was always "popular" had tons of friends and liked "what they liked" because that's what mainstream media and school told me to but as I got older I realized something was missing. Fortunately when I got into university in 2012 I became roommates with a Girl who was very comfortable with who She was, She was immersed in the BDSM scene and She wasn't ashamed or secretive about it. She was extremely open, and seeing how open, how She embraced Her Feminine energy and power, felt extremely liberating. I wanted to try it. This World that had always seemed so taboo. I had an idea of what a Dominatrix was, and what they wore, but I couldn't have been more wrong. My roomate took Me under Her wing when I showed interest, and from that point forward My life changed, I finally felt whole. It was a turning point for Me. Of course as you know, not everyone is "accepting" of our community.
I dated a lot in University as many "College Girls" do, but these were all vanilla relationships and these vanilla relationships would often interfere with My ability to practice BDSM and play with My subs. I would find when I would get into a more serious relationship I would often take "hiatuses" from the community as subs blowing up My messages and calls at weird hours get hard to hide. I felt guilty. During these hiatuses I was miserable and I felt extremely empty inside. Needless to say none of these relationships worked out, and I will say it now I was too ashamed to share the full extent of My kinky side. Of course here and there I would incorporate some "play" which often weirded the guy out, made him uncomfortable or he just wasn't into it. Internally this was deflating.
However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am in a very healthy relationship now. And by healthy I mean I have nothing to hide, and nothing to be ashamed of. In the beginning of this relationship I did hide My kinky side, including My subs, I began to get tired of hiding constantly and distanced Myself from the community once more, I hated it, I felt like a part of My life was missing. My Boyfriend is correction WAS about as vanilla as it gets, mind you We are still in Our 20's so its not like He was super sexually enlightened or experienced. But it got to a point in Our relationship where I felt depressed, I missed My open and daily communication with My most cherished subs, and a lot of the play and of course My community. I decided one night that I was going to tell him about this side of Me. I was terrified, I knew that I might lose him. But at the end of the day I need to Domme like I need to breathe air. One night I told him, EVERYTHING, he was a little confused at first, shocked even, but He still accepted and loved Me. This was a few years ago and We are still together now. He understands that I need to communicate with My subs daily, We even have a cuck, and He actually enjoys it! I never thought He would be so open minded, but at the end of the day He loves Me enough to accept Me and understands what I need in My life and within Our relationship to be completely satisfied. He still may not understand everything but he is open to learning and that means the World to Me. I have an extremely understanding Partner who allows Me to be Myself and live My life the way that I need, and He wants to learn more about My World! What more could a Girl ask for? I now have a life where I can be Myself and not hide. I cut off those who didn't mesh with Me personally. I have learned that quantity will never mean more than the quality when it comes to friends and important relationships. A lot of those "popular" friends are no longer in My life, and I couldn't be happier.
This is why it pains Me as a Domme to see so many subs struggling with balance, feeling ashamed for what makes them happy and satisfied and whole. Society is a huge factor to the reoccurring "sub cycle." As a Domme I see the conflict and the pain societal "norms" cause My subs and other subs alike. My goal? To ease it, to show the light, and help subs and even Dommes struggling with unnecessary shame to shed it. I want every kinky individual to embrace every part of themselves. I want you all to say screw you and your idea of how I should be. School and society love to tell us how to act, how to think, and how to love. Personally I think it's all bullshit. If you are happy being kinky, weird, vanilla, boring, whatever, and you aren't hurting anyone? Who's to judge? Society? Who cares. At the end of the day are the people judging you the ones who care about you? Why is it even their business? Are they calling you every day checking up on you, worried if you ate dinner? If you are feeling mentally healthy? No. you don't exist to them. But if you're a sub... Guess who you exist to? your Domme. your Domme gives a F***. A big one. A good Domme cares, and wants you to be mentally healthy and emotionally fulfilled.
If you are a sub and serving a Domme makes you feel happier than anything else in the World, who is to judge? Does everyone need to know what you do in the privacy of your own home? Why feel guilt? If serving a Domme makes your head fuzzy, your heart race, excites you on SO many levels and causes you to smile? Why feel guilty? Because Society tells you it's "Weird?"
Since when is society always correct?
Open your eyes. Look at the state of the World around you, outside your country, and look at how societies and the definition of "normal" vary. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fit into every ideal, and why should you want to? Some societies are extremely screwed up. They wouldn't even accept you if you fit into "Canada or USA's Normal." Thats just facts. They might even kill you for being a certain way. Repress you. So why do we all get so focused on fitting in, and having everyone's approval when in reality it's just killing us inside.
Think of it this way, would you rather lead an empty life being normal and hating it, coming home exhausted after pretending to have things in common with people just to belong. Or would you rather lead your "weird" life, where you're happy minus the people who you don't even like or even care about you to begin with??? Personally I chose the second option.
Now before you start to think it's one or the other and I'm being extreme, I never said that. Breathe. Just because you're a sub or a Domme, it doesn't mean that you are in sub or Domme mode 24/7. A kinky individual can find balance between both Worlds, I have. I have some extremely vanilla friends who I have great relationships with, we have similar interests and when we hang out and talk we have a great time, but while I'm hanging out with these people I still communicate with My subs, and whatever else I feel like. Just because you have one, doesn't mean you can't have the other. It's about balance!
Dommes and subs share similar interests. Not to mention we complete each other. A sub is the Dommes missing piece of the puzzle and vice versa. Dommes and subs can even share vanilla interests and have a friendship dynamic outside or within the D/s. If you have found the right Domme or sub you know it. They want whats best for you mentally. A Domme wants Her sub happy, She doesn't want him to feel conflicted or sad. But in order for the Domme to be able to help the sub has to allow it. Shutting down and "deciding to be normal" when normal doesn't even exist to begin with is the wrong move. A D/s relationship is two people and for it to thrive there HAS to be communication. My subs have social lives, go out with friends ect. But at the end of the day I am still one of the closest People in their lives, I am a priorty, it makes Me happy and it makes them happy and it's amazing. My owned subs are also very important in My life, if My sub is struggling mentally it affects Me as well. Coming up with a solution and helping is always on the table. The issue is when societal norms start to pollute their minds.
Societal Norms are made up. A Utopian Society where everyone is normal just doesn't exist, it's statistically impossible. In every society there are different people, some good, some bad. All that matters is that you are one of the good ones. If you're "weird" embrace it, if you have aspects about your lives that are normal and you enjoy them, enjoy them! Nobody said that you have to check all the boxes in one specific section. That's what society and even schools try to make us think. Streamlined one way. Not going to happen. It's perfectly okay to tick boxes in multiple areas, and if a lot of your ticks fall outside the "normal" area? If you are truly happy who cares. Society used tell people you have to grow up, get an education, settle down, and get married to a member of the opposite sex and reproduce. If you told society that now? There would be an uproar. Norms are slowly changing, Same sex marriages, some people don't want to reproduce, some people don't want to be a specific gender, some people want to be alone, and these are all things that are slowly being accepted which seemed impossible 50 years ago. I'm not saying that the BDSM community will every be completely accepted, (Even though you see more and more attempts to incorporate it in the mainstream.) That's not the point, the point is BDSM and Kink mixed with Vanilla life are My normal. And maybe it's yours too?
Redefine normal.
nor·mal
/ˈnôrməl/
Learn to pronounce
adjective
1.
conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Yikes, who wants to be "typical" or conform. Mindless drones all thinking the same way, sounds fun. Not. If everyone were "normal" things wouldn't have been created, invented or even exist. People who didn't used to fall under socially accepted would still be in hiding. Things are slowly changing but no, not fast enough.
The World isn't perfect and it never will be. Stop feeling guilty about being "different." If everyone was supposed to be the same wouldn't we all look alike? Life is about making connections, meaningful ones, and if one of your most meaningful is serving your Domme? Great. Enjoy it. you won't be able to recreate that feeling anywhere else. Be yourself and stop trying to fit into a box that keeps changing that in reality doesn't even exist. If you want a partner, find one that accepts you for who you are. They are out there. I thought it was impossible at one point but I found someone. And let's get real the only real reason why the normal box is changing? Because of those who are different pushing for a change.
Acting and pretending and conforming is extremely toxic, not to mention exhausting mentally and physically. Stop waiting for others to tell you how to be to "fit in." Stop trying to fit in this stupid stream lined non-existent box. Break out of it and forget that it exists. Nobody is saying you have to share every part of your life. Accepting who you are and incorporating it is part 1. Do it for your mental health. Take care of yourself and your Domme, or Kinky friends will always be there to help you. At the end of the day your happiness matters, don't let a non-existent box control your life or tell you what should and shouldn't make you feel good. Trust your gut not what others tell you. If you're feeling empty distancing yourself, don't. At the end of the day you aren't just hurting yourself. If you are exhausted of pretending to be someone you're not? Stop. Being a sub or a Domme isn't "bad" just because someone says it is, or because they don't "understand." As long as you deny what feels right you will never be happy. Life isn't about ticking boxes, it's about discovering what you like and who you are, it's about finding balance, having new experiences and experiencing true satisfaction. If "normal" doesn't do it for you? Who cares, you ARE NOT alone, there is NOTHING wrong with you and there's a whole community that accepts you for who you are. Lashing out doesn't solve anything. (Call us weirdos, call us whatever, guess what? We don't care. We love being us.) Newsflash the so called "cool people?" At the end of the day... Guess what they are? "Normal," typical. And who wants to be normal? That's so boring.
Labels suck anyways.... What is cool??? What makes someone cool? Are the multiple example of cool? Words are what you make them. I'm going to stop Myself here... Another topic for another blog...
