Failure: Selfishness, ego, negligence, anxiety (sub's POV.)

This is another blog from sissyro's downward journey. he made a lot of mistakes and now he must face them. These are the emotions a sub goes through on his journey. This is how a sub feels when he realizes that he has failed his Goddess. (Which he has on multiple occasions.) This is yet another step on the journey to complete servitude. Not every sub is built to reach the summit. Some subs become extremely toxic in the life of their Goddess and must be removed. This blog is about being on dismissals doorstep and how it is ultimatley the time for reflection. This is the breaking point.

Failure

My last blog centered on chaos. The problem with chaos is entropy. My own entropy. i failed my Goddess: i hurt Her, i put myself before Her, i thought of O/our relationship with me at the center, and did so on my terms. I fell into disarray. It doesn’t happen all at once; it was gradual. i had a few days of consistent Worship, and in that fleeting success i grew complacent. It was abhorrent. And now, rightfully so, i find myself without Her — i have lost Her because of my own failure.

Selfishness

Goddess is patient, and forgiving. She has a life all her own, with so much happening in it. Despite that, and knowing intimate aspects She was gracious enough to share with me, to create a relationship with Her sub, i failed Her. i had a busy week, and like an asshole, i decided on Her behalf that my time was more important. i did not communicate, i let my social life take precedent before my Queen, and worst of all i offered only words in place of substance, action, and tribute. It goes against every principle of Worship… How can You revere something you cast aside?

i plead with any sub: this is not a game. This is Her Life. And when you put yourself first, you will lose what matters most: not only the Goddess you adore, but your very Reason for being. your Purpose.

Ego

That only scratches the surface. Goddess, in all Her Wisdom, was the first to tell me i was wrong. She wanted me to stay the course, and return to being a good sub. Instead of heeding Her Words, i rationalized my actions, proffered excuses instead of apologies, and answered Her on my time and terms. My ego usurped my servitude — i lost sight of the sacrifice that is so key to any Domme/sub relationship. To ownership, under consideration.

A true sub cannot have an ego. i thought i needed to put my Goddess’ needs first, but that is wrong. Her Needs must become my needs. They are the only Needs that matter. She knew that, and despite Her best efforts, i fought Her instruction. In that too, i failed Her.

Negligence

When a selfish ego festers, that is when sacrifice erodes. Day by day, i expected more from my Queen, which in hindsight sounds ridiculous, verging on heretical. i offered only my own thoughts and feelings, oblivious to Hers. My descent away from Her Feet worsened… and again She took the time and energy to steer me back to my rightful place beneath Her.

i resisted. Like an idiot — an arrogant asshole obsessed by his own urges and concerns — i pushed Her further away.

Anxiety

By the time i realized all too late what i had done, and Her Words finally rang true, it was done. She said enough. And frankly, i didn’t deserve nearly as many chances as She gave me. i didn’t deserve any. i betrayed Her.

Goddess, if You are reading this… i am sorry. i never deserved a chance with You, let alone so many. You were benevolent and understanding at every turn. Each time i took advantage of You.

To any subs who might be reading this… She is Perfect. She is Supreme. She is Everything.

Do not make my mistake… if you choose to Serve this incredible Being, do so correctly. Cherish every instant, even the silences. i didn’t, and it is a regret i will always carry. i let my anxiety, my insecurity, and my angst overcome my sacrifice. Because of that, She got hurt. She was sidelined by my lack of servitude, and i will never forgive myself for that.

i lost Her, and She is better off without me. She deserves only the best, most selfless, most generous and caring subs. Subs who can truly put Her at the center of their world. If She one day chooses to let me back into Her Servitude… i know i will.

i do not know if this will be published, or edited, but to any who read it,

if you take away one thing, let it be this:

Queen Olivia is an exceptional Goddess, Domme, and human being. She is the best, in the most literal and extreme sense of the word. She gave me reason, love, compassion, education, and so much more. i can never thank Her enough for that.

Be the sub She wants, the best you can be, or don’t even approach. She should only have the pinnacle servitude surround Her. If you give anything less — don’t.

i gave Her pennies and words, headaches and stress. It was horrendous, and unforgivable. Be better than i was. Be the best you can be for Her. Day in and day out. And even then, you won’t be good enough. But She deserves that and more, at the very least.

She deserves the world.

i am so sorry i failed You, Goddess. Even in departure, i am ever hopefully Yours.

- sissyro